


A Taste Of Loneliness

by Sarabellum93



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Substance Abuse, Tension, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-10-09 15:03:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17409083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarabellum93/pseuds/Sarabellum93
Summary: Zexion is a shy, completely quiet high schooler who meets Demyx, a friendly and social teen who is always open for making a new friend. Zexion doesnt have much to lose, considering he doesnt have anything to begin with, but Demyx's dedication proves to be harder to accept than he thought. His mom is in rehab, his grandmother-the only source of love he had-is dying, and his dad's death are just too much for Zexion. Demyx tries so hard to help his new friend, but both get a taste of loneliness.





	1. Getting Used to It

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Future chapters will include self-harm, strong language, and intense anxiety. but it will be good drama, trust me! ;P

I woke up nervous for my first day of school. Ok well it's not really the first day, but I had to transfer schools since I moved. Again. This is the fourth time in the past year. My mom just got admitted back into rehab so now I'm moving back with my aunt and uncle, where I'm pretty much invisible. Out in public, I'm completely invisible. For the past five years, I've slowly worked at eliminating my need to talk. My verbal communication comes and goes, but when it comes, it'll stay on and off. When it goes, it goes for months. It's gotten to the point that, unless you met me before I started high school, you wouldn't know that my name is Zexion. You wouldn't know that I'm two grades above my age or that I like to draw. You wouldn't know that I have my reasons as to why I've gained the label as an 'emo-freak'. And if you truly knew me, which no one does, then you'd know why that label is right.

The second I sat up in bed I knew it was going to be a bad day. I could feel it. I was currently in my longest silence streak ever: 4 months and not a sound to anyone besides my aunt, uncle, or grandmother. At 'home', I would grunt or sigh, but most of my communication was done through nodding, shaking my head, or facial expressions, which I barely used unless I absolutely needed to. In public, I didn't make a sound; nothing more than a cough or sneeze. I didn't know how I was going to survive my first day without having to say my name at least once. Knowing me, I'd make a nametag. I'm already going to get looked at as being weird and emo, so might as well give them a name. Call me pessimistic, I don't give a shit. I stopped caring when my dad did…

Anyway, I took a quick shower, threw on some black skinny jeans, a black V-neck along with a black zip-up hoodie. Yes, I like black. I fixed my straight, slate, hair as I usually do with my long side bangs covering one of my eyes. I shoved a pen and a notebook in my black backpack and left the comfort of my room.

"When do you have work?" I heard my aunt ask my uncle as I brushed past them.

"Wait right there young man!" My uncle called and I rolled my eyes, turning to face him, waiting for him to continue.

"Dinner is on your own, so don't come home too late." My aunt said, not even looking at me, but I didn't care, I was already half way out the door.

I walked to my new school, since it is only a ten minute walk, and quickly entered the main office. For once, I wished that I had my aunt or uncle with me to do the talking for me, but I handed them a paper with my information and without any talking, I actually got my schedule.

"I'm Aerith, and I'm your counselor. If you need any help or need someone to talk to, I'm here." She smiled sweetly as she handed me my schedule.

I nodded.

"Would you like any help finding your classes?" She asked and again I nodded. "This way." She walked with me and I followed as I looked around me. My last high school was an outdoor school, but this was completely indoors, which I didn't really like. "What's your favorite subject?" she asked me, no doubt trying to cover up the awkward silence. I pointed to the Advanced Science subject on my schedule.

"Do you have any siblings?" She was trying to keep a conversation that didn't exist, but I shook my head honestly. "Where are you from?" She asked and I pointed in the direction from which my aunts house is. "Do you talk?" She asked, laughing a bit, trying to be funny, but when I shook my head, she stopped. "Are you going to be ok making friends?" I looked away. I hated that topic. Friends. What are friends but people who are there one minute but ditch you for the next best thing that comes their way? I shrugged. "You are always welcome to come talk to me." She smiled and I nodded and we continued walking until we came to my first class, math.

I love math. Math and science are the two best subjects ever. Math is so perfect. It has only one right answer and it has no room for error. Science allows me to live out my curious inquiries by still living in that safe environment where everything has its limits and its rationality.

Aerith opened the door and let me walk in first before she interrupted the teacher. Class started nearly twenty minutes ago.

"Hello Luxord." Aerith greeted the teacher who did not look at all like the math teachers I remember having. This guy had beach blonde hair and multiple ear piercings, and he looked like he could be a casino body guard or something.

"New student?" He asked looking at me and I nodded.

"This is Zexion." Aerith put a hand gently on my shoulder as I faced the class. They all sat wide-eyed at me as if they've never seen an emo kid before. I'm not into label's myself, but it is pretty accurate, so if it works, I guess I don't have a reason to complain about it.

"There's a seat right there." Luxord pointed to an open seat in the back and I dragged my body there, slumping in my seat.

"Demyx, can you show Zexion around? I think he has a very similar schedule to yours." Aerith's voice was so soft and delicate, it was almost as calming as it was annoying. I wondered how small this school must be if the counselor actually knows the students schedules. I changed my train of thought to see who this Demyx was, but when I realized that the kid next to me answered with a cheerful, "Of course!" then I realized how much trouble I was in. Fuck. He's a preppy boy. He's not bad on the eyes, in fact, I'd even dare to call him beautiful, but his energy was already invading my space.

"I'm Demyx." He stuck out a hand and I ignored him, pretending to be taking out my notebook to begin taking notes. "You're Zexion, right?" He asked and I nodded, keeping my eyes on the board.

"I'm Axel." The kid in front of me turned around. I nodded, as if to say, "Got it," but that doesn't even matter cause he asked me, "Got it memorized?"

I nodded again; man I was going to be dizzy by the end of the day.

Luxord continued his teaching as if I never even showed up, which is actually what I preferred so it didn't bother me. What DID bother me was the way that Demyx kept asking me stupid questions.

"So where do you live?" He whispered, and since we were in class, I just started writing notes.

"Close by." I wrote and he wrote back.

"Let me see your schedule." I handed it to him and he wrote back, "Cool! We have third, fourth, and fifth period together too!" Demyx beamed a bright smile that nearly blinded me. I sat there.

"Oh, I'm in his chemistry and literature class." Axel said and I realized that kids at this school aren't like the ones I from where I just left. In my old school, I was alone and fine that way. Here, here they are going to talk to me and wont leave me alone. Ugh, this was going to be longer a day than I thought.

When Luxord excused us, Demyx told me to follow Axel, so I did.

"So, chemistry is like my favorite." Axel grinned almost suspiciously. I stayed silent. "What's the matter with you? Tired?" I shrugged. "Don't you know how to talk?" He asked, so I nodded. "Well then what's wrong with you?" He asked and I shrugged again. "You just don't like talking?" I nodded. "I see. Well that sounds….boring." Axel said and I shrugged again. "Alright, here we are." Axel let me go in first and he introduced me to the teacher. "Vexen, this is Zexion. He doesn't talk." He said and Vexen stared at me curiously.

"Why not?" He asked.

"Who knows? He wont say." Axel said and took a seat.

"Go sit with Axel; he's good at chemistry and can help you if you need it." Vexen said and I rolled my eyes as I obeyed. Me? Need help with Chemistry? Please. If anything, by the end of the year, I'll be replacing Vexen at his job.

"So for this next section you," Axel started but stopped when he saw that I already finished the exercises on the board. "Whoa! You're done already?" Axel asked and I nodded. "Let me see." He took my paper, eyed it carefully, and put it down with wide eyes. "Damn kid, what are you, some genius?" I shrugged. "Well that's pretty impressive, but we still have half an hour left." Axel smirked.

If I was going to be perfectly honest with myself, I'd confess how amazing his eyes are. They're so strong a green and his hair is pretty out there too since it's a bright red, which actually looks really good on him. Then there's Demyx. Even though I'm a 'pessimist' who doesn't like labels, he's the cutest prep I've ever seen. And even though his smile can get annoying and overbearing…..it's….adorable. Whatever. I need to focus on school. I don't have time to think about how white his teeth are or how soft and silky his blonde Mohawk looks.

When Chemistry ended, Axel walked me to the music room, where he explained that Demyx would be the Teaching Assistant. He warned me that the teacher, Saix, is kind of scary when he's mad, but that Demyx is a great musician and loves to help students who have questions. I don't play any instruments, so I knew from the beginning that I was going to suck. But when Axel left me to go to his own class and I walked in alone, I felt this pitiful failure inside me.

"Hey Zexion." Demyx waved to me so I sat next to him. "How was chemistry?"

I shrugged and he took out his phone.

"Axel told me that you don't talk. Why not?" He asked and I shrugged. Really? I know he's cute, but he has to be smarter than that. "Oh, well, that's cool I guess." He said and got up to help students while the class started. I had to pick an instrument so I looked into the big supply closet to see what my options were.

"What are you thinking of?" Demyx walked up behind me and I pointed to the guitar. It only had six strings, so it couldn't be that hard, right? "Oh, the guitar is a wonderful instrument!" Demyx picked it up and motioned me to follow him into an empty room.

"Since you're new, Saix said that I can teach you one on one in here." He smiled and I nodded that I understood. I feel like a lot of people think I'm stupid cause I don't talk, so I nod after anything that I understand, which is pretty much everything.

"Are you right handed or left handed?" He asked and I held up my left hand. "Here, hold it like this." He handed me the guitar and moved over to my right hand which was at the top. He tried to teach me a couple of chords, but it just didn't feel natural to me. After half of the class time, I learned two chords.

"So, are you happy to be here?" He asked and I strummed the G chord as I shook my head. "Would you rather go back to your old school?" He asked, looking sad. I nodded as I strummed the C chord.

"Is it your parents that are stopping you?" H asked and I tilted my head, strumming G again. "It must be hard, huh?" he asked, and his voice sounded so genuinely concerned that it almost bothered me. As I strummed C again, I felt sad. It was weird. I normally don't feel. I get agitated and frustrated, but I can usually block most everything else out. But his voice and the sorrow on his face, it just made me want to cry. "Do you have any friends at your old school?" He asked and I strummed G. It became silently official that G meant 'no' while C meant 'yes'.

"Do you have any friends at all?" he asked, sounding like he was really bothered, but when I strummed G again, it only got worse. "Zexion? Why not?" He asked and I shrugged. "Am, am I your friend?" He asked and I froze. If I say no, will he get mad? And if I say yes, what does that even mean? "I guess a few hours of knowing someone isn't enough just yet." He smiled to encourage me and I nodded. "Well class is about over, so we should put the guitar back." Demyx stood up and took it from my hand as we left.

"P.E. is next and coach Lexaeus is a beast." Demyx said as we entered the boys locker room.

"So, do you have P.E. clothes yet?" Axel asked and I shook my head.

"Guess he'll have to wear spares." Demyx handed me a shirt and some gym shorts and I nodded my thanks at him with the same straight face I've had all damn day.

"Have you started the math homework yet Dem?" Axel asked and Demyx laughed.

"Yea right! I'll probably do it as Luxord is collecting it." Demyx took off his shirt and to my own surprise, I couldn't stop staring. I wont deny myself the fact that I'm gay. Since I don't talk, no one knows, but I'm not one for relationships anyway. What I do know though, is that Demyx shirtless is pretty much the hottest thing ever. I gulped and blinked, trying to tell myself to look away, but I just didn't want to miss out on his sweet and well defined abs.

"I'll probably do it the day after." Axel joked with him and when Demyx put his new shirt on, I looked away. Axel took his off and although his red hair at the base of his stomach was hot, I missed Demyx's blonde.

"You going to change?" Demyx asked me and I nodded. I put his shirt over my long sleeve black V neck and changed quickly into the shorts while they were.

"Arent you going to get hot?" Axel asked but I lied, shaking my head.

The one lesson I learned from being emo is that you have to live with long sleeves to hide cuts and scars. Eventually you get used to it.

Physical Education was a joke, thankfully, since Demyx, Axel, and I all walked the track in circles like ten times. The two talked a lot and occasionally they asked me yes or no questions and I would nod or shake my head. I was happy that they were getting used to my system and that they weren't criticizing me for it or asking even more stupid questions.

This system worked pretty damn well, and for the rest of my first week, I followed those two silently in nearly everything they did.

"So, can I ask you a question? I want you to be honest." Axel started one day as we walked the track in P.E like we always do, and I nodded. "Do you want us to leave you alone? I mean, I don't want to ignore you or make you feel like you're not included, but I don't want to bother you either. You never have anything to say, so I feel like we're just annoying you." Axel said and I thought for a moment. Just that Monday morning, in math, I was praying that they'd shut up and leave me alone. But for this entire week I've been following them blindly and doing what they tell me cause…..cause I don't feel threatened by them. I don't trust them, I don't trust anyone. But at the same time, I don't want them to leave. Well, it's more like, I don't want them to leave me.

My long silence and thought was taking longer than I expected. I knew that I didn't want them to leave, but I already forgot how he worded his question and if I should shake my head or nod. It's times like these when I know I could talk, but once you get used to silence, it's hard to switch back.

"Come on Dem." Axel grabbed Demyx's arm and turned him around. I ran after them and shook my head. "If you want to hang out with us, say so." Axel said, his demeanor serious. I nodded, but he interrupted. "I said, 'say so', with your mouth." Axel folded his arms and I looked away. Of course I didn't forget how to talk, but I just hate it. I hate my voice and I hate the hatred that comes out of other peoples mouths whenever I'd say something. My whole life people told me to shut up. I wish they'd make up their damn minds.

"It's ok Axel, he doesn't have to." Demyx said and I thought he was saving me, until he continued. "If he prefers silence, then that's what he'll get." Demyx actually looked genuinely hurt as he took off.

"Way to go." Axel scoffed at me and ran after Demyx as the bell rang. I didn't know what to do. What did I do wrong? I usually glare at people and give them dirty looks, but this entire week I've remained neutral. I couldn't see why they were suddenly treating me like this.

I walked back to the locker room, taking my own sweet time, realizing that I truly am meant to be alone. I went into the row that Demyx, Axel, and I all changed in before the period began, but as I walked back in, they walked out. Demyx was quick to leave and Axel lingered.

"He said to just leave his shit in his locker." Axel pointed to Demyx's P.E. locker behind me. I still had yet to get my own P.E clothes and Demyx was kind enough to let me have his spares. I nodded, feeling…sad.

"You brought this upon yourself you know." Axel said and he too looked a bit remorseful. I shook my head. Was I …pleading? "Look, I know we've only known you for a week and all but," Axel looked around. The locker room was pretty much empty. "Don't tell him I told you, but, Demyx, he likes you." Axel whispered and I looked at him, shocked. What the fuck? Someone likes me? I couldn't comprehend the words coming out of his mouth.

"He thinks that you are cute and that you have a lot to say and just need someone to help you learn how. For whatever reason that you're not talking, that's your own business. But at the same time, if you don't start including other people in your life, don't expect them to include you in theirs." Axel started to walk away, but I grabbed his arm.

I nodded, hanging my head low.

"Axel!" Demyx yelled and Axel sighed before he pulled his arm away.

The walk home was more quiet, depressing, and lonely than I thought it would be. It's been a while since I spent so much time with people, especially the same people for hours like the way I did with Axel and Demyx. Is that all it took to want to get to know someone? I don't remember ever telling anyone that I liked them, and I certainly don't recall being liked by anyone besides my grandmother, but she's dying and it wont be long till I'm all alone.

I forgot what it was like to have friends and to feel like I belong somewhere. I missed it more than I was willing to admit. But at the same time, I was scared to get involved in something that is much bigger than me.

I walked inside the house, empty, quiet, and went into my room. I did the little homework I had, and spent the rest of my day watching videos online about how to play the guitar.


	2. More Alone Than I Already Am

The next day in math, I sat at the very front. All the other seats were taken and Axel and Demyx weren't even looking at me, even though I turned to face them several times.  
I wrote on a piece of paper, "I'm sorry" And I didn't expect that to be good enough, but somehow, I hoped that it would help. When Luxord ended the class a couple minutes early, I waited for everyone to leave before Demyx and Axel started heading towards the door. I held the paper out in front of Demyx, who took it curiously. He read it and sighed.  
"Me too. We shouldn't ignore you if you want to hang out with us. I'm sorry." He said with a small smile and I nodded sorrowfully, as if to say that I'm sorry too.  
"Just hug and get it over with." Axel smirked and Demyx blushed.  
"Can I hug you?" He asked, and for the first time in who remembers how long, I felt a slight tingle go down my chest as I nodded and watched as he stepped closer to me.  
His arms opened and I stepped into the gap, surprisingly desperate to feel his warm body. His clothes smelled nice as he wrapped his arms around me, not too tight, but just enough to leave me longing for more. Shit, now I was longing for him. But damn did he feel comfortable. His sweater was thick and cozy and I wanted so badly to snuggle my face up to it. I slowly let my cheek fall to his shoulder as I inhaled deeply. I hadn't been hugged in years. Years. Literally. And then, to my complete and utter surprise, I started to sniffle.  
"Dem, hang on." Axel pulled me back from Demyx and I hid my face in my arms.  
"Zexion, are you ok?" Demyx put a hand on my shoulder and I used my long sleeves to wipe my silent tears.  
I nodded, about to turn away when Demyx pulled me in for another hug.  
Why? Why was I crying? Why did he even care? Why is my heart beating louder than usual? Why is my head all light and airy? Why cant I control what my body is doing? With each question, I began to cry more and more, even to where small tiny whimpers were heard.  
"Shh, it's ok Zexion." Demyx rubbed my back and his warm, strong hand relaxed me almost too much. I inhaled deeply, then exhaled loudly. I just, I couldn't help it. He was warm. He was strong, yet soft. His touch made me silently beg for more and I yearned for his warmth and security.  
"It's alright, we're all here now." Axel joined the hug and put his hand on my back where Demyx's hand wasn't already.  
"And we'll always be here." Demyx pushed me away to smile into my eyes. I nodded before Axel broke the tension.  
"Come on, we have to get to class."  
I followed Axel while Demyx headed to his English class, missing him already. The small tears stopped and I shook my head, angry at myself.  
What the fuck was wrong with me? I don't cry….not in front of people! If anything, I'll allow silent tears to fall as I sleep, but even then, I refuse to acknowledge that I cry. Ugh, I cant believe I just did that. They probably think I'm weak now; some helpless emo freak. That's what I've always been seen as.  
"You miss him, don't you?" Axel asked as he and I began our lab. Before I could even try to lie to myself, I nodded. "Are you gay?" he asked so easily. Back in my old school, I if were to reveal the truth, I'd get my ass kicked. But with Axel, there was something there about him that didn't feel scary. I nodded slowly.  
"We are too, so don't worry." He smiled before he added some chemical to our liquid mix at our lab station. I put a hand up, to tell him to stop, but he grinned like a mad scientist and added more. Next thing we knew, it blew up in our faces. We coughed the grey smoke away before Vexen excused us to the bathroom so we could clean the black solution off our faces.  
"Sorry about that." Axel winced as I grumpily trudged to the bathroom with him beside me. I glared at him. "I usually know what I'm doing, but I cant help it." He shrugged and I rolled my eyes. We bent over the sink to rinse the smudge off of our faces when Demyx walked in.  
"Hey, another science experiment gone wrong?" he laughed, which led me to assume that Axel does this more often than not.  
"It was worth it." Axel smirked.  
"Here, you forgot some." Demyx smiled as he stood before me, licked his thumb, and wiped my chin. "Better." He smiled so sweetly, I had to look away.  
"Aww, he's blushing!" Axel teased and I rushed a hand to my cheek; it was warm.  
"He is so cute!" Demyx took my hands in his and squeezed them.  
"He said that he missed you in Chem. Well, I asked and he nodded." Axel said and I looked away again.  
"You missed me?" Demyx asked and I nodded.  
""He's gay too." Axel patted my back and I could feel my face flushing.  
"So who's your lucky boyfriend?" Demyx batted his thick eyelashes and I shook my head. He looked at me real seriously and it made my heart pound louder. "You know, if you talked and allowed people to get to know you, I'd bet you'd find someone real fast." He smiled cheaply and dropped my hands. "I got to go back to class. See ya!" He grabbed a handful of paper towels and then left as I stood there. What was this feeling of sorrow?  
"When was the last time you talked? Weeks?" Axel asked and I shook my head. "Months?" I nodded and held up four fingers. "Holy shit!" He shook his head and I felt low. I felt stupid. I felt like the failure I've been told that I am. "I bet if you said his name, you'd make him smile so wide, he'd cry." Axel shrugged and started walking off. I felt guilty that I'd never be able to give Demyx that happiness, but we're just friends. Who wants to date a mute like me? Who wants to date anyone who's anything close to what I am? A mess. A fail.  
Axel and I went back to class to clean up our station and finished just before the bell rang. Vexen handed us our homework sheet and I rushed to the music room. Why was I rushing? My legs were moving faster than I thought I cared, but at the same time, I couldn't stop. I wanted so badly to be near him, near that smile. At first I thought that I'd end up hating him for it, but now I see that Demyx's smile is the only bit of comfort that I like…the only comfort that I have.  
I went into the backroom and started playing the same few chords that I knew. I was up to five now, and Demyx and I somehow made up meanings for each chord. G meant 'no', C meant 'yes', D meant 'I don't know', E major meant 'I wish', and A minor translated as 'I agree'. If I played G before anything else, it negated that next chord. So G then A meant I don't agree. If I strummed all six strings without any chord, it meant that I either didn't want to say or couldn't answer with the few chords I had. So far, it was working really well.  
"Does your mom work a lot?" Demyx and I spent the whole week in music class getting to know each other more, but he could only ask yes or no questions. After he'd ask me, I'd tilt my head as if to ask it back to him, and he answered in plain English.  
I strummed G.  
"Does she work at all?"  
I strummed G.  
"Does your dad work?" He asked and again I strummed G.  
"Do you live with your parents?" I strummed G and he started naming off relative titles until I strummed C.  
"So you live with your aunt and uncle and your grandma?" I strummed C.  
"Do you miss your parents?" He asked real quietly. I strummed D. I really didn't know. I hardly remember my dad and my mom was never great enough to be missed, but I sometimes wonder what it'd be like if I still had both of them in my lives.  
"Where are they?" He asked. I strummed D. I didn't really know exactly where the rehab was that my mom was in, and as for my dad, no one knew for sure, although I had my own guess.  
"Do you like living with your aunt and uncle?" He asked and I strummed G. I wouldn't mind if they had noticed me when I first came to live with them, but whenever I had to stay with them before in the past 17 year I've been alive, I was never important enough to matter.  
"What about your grandma?" I strummed C. I knew that when the time comes for her, I'll be sad. Until then, I'll just stay in denial that that time is nearing.  
"Well that's good." He smiled but I shook my head. "Why not?" I pretended to cough and he guessed it. "She's sick?" I strummed C, yes.  
"I'm sorry." He said and I strummed that I agreed, A minor.  
"Do you want to go to college once we graduate?" he asked and I strummed D. I was being honest; I really didn't know because I never thought that I'd survive this long. I've been a long time cutter and I've tried to OverDose on pills a couple times before. Every time I'd have to go to a hospital and then therapy, but somehow I never got the help that I truly needed. By now I was too far beyond help.  
"Do you know what you'd want to study if you went?" He asked and I strummed C. "Science?" He guessed and I nodded. He knew me well.  
"I know you can do it." He smiled and I looked away. His smile is too good for my eyes. It's like I don't want to look away, but I'm afraid that if I stare too hard, I'll go blind or something. That, or I'll end up smiling too and I'll look like a dumbass. I don't remember what my smile looks like, but I guess that doesn't even matter since I don't smile ever.  
"Can I ask you a question?" He really is funny. Isn't that what we've been doing all class? And isn't that in itself a question? Nevertheless, I played C.  
"Why do you look away when I talk to you?" He scooted closer to me and I strummed D. I really couldn't come up with one reason. Part of it was because I think I get…nervous….around him. Another part of me is in denial of it, because I don't allow myself to feel. But then again, why is it that my heart beats faster and my palms get sweaty when he's around?  
"Do I make you uncomfortable?" He asked and I strummed G multiple times, as if to prove that he really doesn't. He smiled. "Good." I strummed A minor, I agreed.  
"Do you like spending time with Axel and me?" I strummed C. I really did enjoy their company. If I had a sense of humor, I'd probably laugh at half the stuff they did. I just don't remember how.  
"You should hang out with us after school, if you want." Demyx shrugged and I nodded quickly.  
"Really? Good. Well, there's the bell. Let's get going." Demyx helped me up and we walked to the locker room.  
Now that I know that he likes me, it's even harder not to stare at him. I always wear my original shirt under the P.E. shirt and I led Axel and Demyx to think that I was one of those kids who gets unhealthily cold, which led coach Lexaeus to believe it too. Either way, I got to keep my shirt on and no one ever had a chance to see all the cuts, burns, and bruises I have.  
"Would you get mad?" Demyx asked Axel as I trailed behind. They were whispering back and forth to each other and I grew suspicious.  
"Don't. You. Dare." Axel stopped dead in the middle of the track during our first rotation.  
"ROXAS!" Demyx shouted and then took off running. Axel took off after them, both sprinting as I walked slowly, trying to figure out what happened. Demyx sped as fast as he can and when he came around to lap me, he stopped quickly and grabbed onto my shoulders.  
"Save me!" He begged as I turned to see Axel charging after us. I guarded my face with my arms as Axel pushed Demyx and the two fought. They were laughing though, and I didn't really understand what was going on.  
"He didn't even notice!" Demyx laughed, still panting.  
"You dick!" Axel shoved him playfully. I raised an eyebrow.  
"Axel has a HUGE crush on Roxas." Demyx said, facing me just as Axel was.  
"I do not! I just, I think he's cute." Axel shrugged and then I looked down and saw a pair of shoes hiding behind Axel's and Demyx's. I pointed and Axel looked down, turned around, looked up, and froze.  
"You think I'm cute?" Some short blonde boy asked and Axel stammered.  
"Well I said that, um, you see, I guess what it really is, is uh, um," He looked around and Demyx put his hand on my shoulder.  
"Just tell him." Demyx smiled and Roxas blushed as Axel cleared his throat.  
"I like you." Axel smiled and Roxas' face lit up.  
"Really?"  
"Yeah. You're short stories and poems in English are amazing and you're cute and you just seem like a great guy." Axel shrugged. "I'd really like to get to know you."  
"Me too Axe. I think you're a great guy, and you're so smart in chemistry." The blonde, Roxas, smiled before he looked to me. "Who's your friend?"  
"Oh, this is Zexion." Demyx said for me. "He doesn't talk, but he's a real cool kid." Demyx smiled and I nodded my thanks with a straight face. I wanted to smile, but I refuse to allow myself to get soft again. Once you go soft, the next step is going hurt.  
"Nice to meet you." He smiled and I nodded.  
"Can we talk?" Axel asked Roxas, who nodded, and the two walked off side by side down the track.  
"They look so cute together." Demyx smiled brightly. "I cant wait till I find my one. Someone whose hand I can hold. Someone to hug when I need one." Demyx hugged himself and already I was jealous of his own arms. I wanted to want him. No, I do want him, right? I miss him when he's gone. I hate going home from school because I want to spend more time with him. And whenever I'm not with him, he's all that's on my mind. I stopped walking. So, do I like him back just because he likes me? I guess I've always enjoyed his company, even before Axel told me that he liked me. But what if he doesn't like me the way I think he does? Axel told me that Demyx likes me but that can mean a lot of things.  
"Zexion? You ok?" Demyx asked and I nodded.  
"What are you thinking about?" He walked right up to me and with my entire self in a vulnerable state, I pointed to him.  
"You're thinking about me?" He asked and I nodded.  
"Aww, you're so sweet." He blushed and I did too. Dammit! Why is he so cute? Why does he have to be so…amazing? He's the first real friend I've ever had. And he's the only one who cared enough to give me a chance no matter what. He's perfect.  
"You're blushing." He smiled and I looked away. I needed to fix this. I needed to find a way to get rid of these feelings for him. But…do I have to? Do I have to make myself more alone than I already am?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Ok so that's it for the second chapter. It goes by pretty fast and I apologize for that.  
> Living Legacy, Silent Sacrifice,  
> Sarabellum


	3. Should Have Seen it Coming

"What are you thinking about?" He walked right up to me and with my entire self in a vulnerable state, I pointed to him.

"You're thinking about me?" He asked and I nodded.

"Aww, you're so sweet." He blushed and I did too. Dammit! Why is he so cute? Why does he have to be so…amazing? He's the first real friend I've ever had. And he's the only one who cared enough to give me a chance no matter what. He's perfect.

"You're blushing." He smiled and I looked away. I needed to fix this. I needed to find a way to get rid of these feelings for him. But…do I have to? Do I have to make myself more alone than I already am?

I coughed. I didn't know what to do.

"What are you thinking about, about me?" Demyx clarified and I couldn't make eye contact with him. I wanted to be that person that he could hug….cause I needed it more than he did. With a small shrug and a look of pathetic hope, I opened my arms.

"You, you want a hug?" He asked, seeming happy. I nodded. He held me tight and it was weird since we were outside in public, but part of me didn't even care.

We made it a quick hug and when he broke it, he winked at me. My throat reacted to it in a peculiar way. It got all tight and I had to swallow hard to breathe. I don't know how he manages to do that to me, but it doesn't even seem fair.

"You ok?" He asked with his perfectly white teeth smiling.

I nodded as we both walked back to the locker room to change.

Two boring classes later, I was walking with Axel to our lockers.

"So that's why we never eat there, but if you're feeling risky, it's up to you." Axel shrugged. Since I'm still pretty new to the area, Axel was helping me figure out what restaurants serve the best kinds of different foods. I don't even remember how we got onto that topic, but I listened intently. I never go out to eat. It's hard to order without talking. Usually I just buy shit at the store with headphones on, obvious that I can't hear people and then I go home and make it.

"Hey you two." Demyx walked up to us and joined us at Axel's locker.

"Hey Dem. Hey Rox." Axel high fived Demyx and gave Roxas a small kiss on his temple. Roxas, that blonde kid I just met, blushed lightly and hugged Axel back.

"Aren't they just adorable?" Demyx asked me and I nodded. He deserves even better. God that smile can probably cure cancer and solve world hunger…it's just that amazing.

"We should all go see a movie." Axel suggested and Roxas nodded at the idea.

"I'm in." Demyx shrugged and I nodded. I had nothing better to do, and honestly, I felt glad that I didn't have to go home and be all alone until school the next day.

We all walked the fifteen minutes to the movie theatre and they talked about homework and classes, including me in the conversation with any 'yes' or 'no' questions available.

"This one looks good." Axel pointed to a poster of an action movie.

"I heard that was awesome!" Roxas looked really excited.

"I heard it's got tons of suspense!" Demyx looked way too happy for that and I must have looked scared cause Axel laughed at me.

"You don't want to see it?" He asked with a smirk. I shrugged.

"It does look like it's scary." Roxas paused to think.

"It'll be fine." Demyx smiled and it hypnotized me to nod along. Before I realized it, we were sitting down, me at one end, then Demyx, then Axel, and then Roxas.

Demyx bought my ticket so I bought a drink for us to share and popcorn….ok so I gave him the munny and he ordered it. Axel got some stuff for himself and Roxas and they were already halfway done with their popcorn by the time the movie started.

The first half wasn't so bad, but once it started to pick up, I noticed that I was actually getting into it.

"You ok?" Demyx whispered, probably to check up on me. I gave him a puzzled look. I didn't really know. It was entertaining, but it was getting a little intense. "It's ok." He put an arm around me and I snuggled into it. His blue cotton sweater was so soft it made me want to fall asleep.

"Zexion. Zexion. Zexiiooon!" Demyx's harsh whisper startled me. I blinked slowly. Shit. I fell asleep. I looked around and the entire theatre was empty, except for Demyx and me.

"The movie ended like twenty minutes ago. We should probably leave." He gently helped me off of his shoulder. I wanted to apologize, so I texted it on my phone and held it up for him to read.

"It's ok. You just looked so peaceful, I couldn't wake you up. But then the manager said that there's another showing soon, so I had to. Anyways, Axel and Roxas left already, so it's just us now." I gave him a puzzled look, and after a week with me, Demyx was pretty much able to read my mind. "I don't know where they went, but I'm sure that them making out during the movie is only going to continue now that it's over." Demyx blushed as he spoke and I found it to be cute.

"So, what time do you have to be home by?" he asked and I shook my head. "Did you want to call it a day or hang out some more? One nod means go home, two means hang out." Demyx usually gave me choices like that and I was ok with it cause it allowed me to communicate more than just 'yes' and 'no'.

I nodded twice.

"Awesome! Well, we can go eat, or we can go back to my place if you want." Demyx shrugged and I nodded. "My place?" I nodded again. I wanted to get to know him more. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to be with him and date him. But since none of that is possible, just being next to him is as good as it'll get.

We had just left the movie theatre when I got a text from my aunt, telling me to get my 'sorry ass home'. I sighed and gave my phone the death glare.

"Everything ok?" he asked and I showed him my phone. "We can hang out tomorrow if you want?" He suggested and I nodded. "I had a great time with you." He smiled and I nodded back, initiating a hug.

"Aww, thanks." He was so adorable as he held me tightly, rubbing my back, calming me down in every way. "Remember Zexion, you're very special and mean a lot to people, even if they don't say it." He cupped my cheek and I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to stay in his hug forever.

"I'll see you tomorrow at school." He waved and walked away as I stood there, wondering why I was special enough for him to care.

I regretted the entire walk home; I was angry at my aunt for making me end a perfect day with Demyx. I could only imagine what we'd do at his house. Ok I didn't mean for it to sound as dirty as it sounds in my head, but maybe…maybe I do. I've never really been that intimate with anyone, but I'd sure love to with him. If he's perfectly comfortable with me sleeping on his shoulder, I wonder what else will come next. And for a second, I thought he was going to kiss me right before he left. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but I cant help but hope that there could be something there. I mean, yeah, I like my privacy and I still consider myself to be an outcast and a freak like everyone thinks I am, but when I'm with Axel and Demyx, I don't feel that way.

I considered all of this as I continued my walk home, and once I turned the block, I knew that something was wrong. There was a police car and an ambulance outside of my aunt's house and I ran my hardest to the front door.

"Hey, kid, it's blocked off!" Some officer yelled at me but I ran in anyway, under the restricted yellow tape.

My aunt was sobbing, my uncle hung his head low, and a stretcher was pulling out a body bag.

"Kid, did you hear me?" The officer followed me in, but I was already panting and panicking on the inside.

"It's ok, he lives here." My uncle said and I couldn't stop shaking my head.

No. No. Goddammit just no!

I fell to my knees. She couldn't have died. I know she was old and I knew that she was sick….but today? Why? I thought at least another four or five months. At least! But why? Why today? I started crying, my face in my hands, unsure of what to think of myself in my open vulnerability.

I am now truly alone.

The police talked to my uncle as they carried my grandmother's body out of the house. My aunt locked herself in her room as I did the same. My grandmother was the one thing keeping me together, or as together as I consider myself to be.

For about three years she's lived with my aunt and uncle, and although I've only been here for less than a month, I knew that I'd need her to survive. I used to go back and forth from living with my mom to living with my aunt, sometimes for weeks, months, or even a year at a time. I didn't have a preference until my grandmother got too sick to live on her own. Once she moved in with my aunt, I wanted to live with them. Of course, that's when my mother wasn't fucking up as much so legally I had to stay with her. But once she relapsed into drugs, I came back here.

I was never allowed to be alone with my grandma. Ever since I was little, I was labeled as a problem child. My aunt said that she never trusted me alone with her. My grandmother lost her ability to talk two years ago, but whenever I'd sneak into her room at night to just sit at her bedside, she'd smile. She never talked to me. We just held hands. At first, she'd write to me and I'd write back, even if I was going through a talking phase. I didn't want her to feel alone by being the only silent one. She'd tell me that she was getting old and that I had to accept that. She told me that she was ok with it because she's in pain. I'd tell her that I didn't want her to go, but then she'd smile at me and write how she'll be in a better place, saving my spot for when I got old and was ready. I used to cry a lot with her. I felt safe when I cried in front of her. Even though she was weak, she'd still hold me.

When her condition got really bad, I snuck in more often. Her room was usually locked and my aunt would give her food and she had bedpans and stuff, but I learned quickly how to break in undetected. My grandmother and I used the same damn whiteboard every night to write to each other and ask each other questions as we just sat in the silence. There were a lot of times when I'd sneak in and she'd be asleep, so I'd stay up and just sit next to her. Other times, I'd just wander back to my room and lay in bed, wondering if she really has to die.

I remember when I got yelled at by my aunt for coming home late one day. It was just a few weeks ago, and I went for a walk and when I came back, she was panicking and screaming at me, telling me that I was a nuisance and just a painful reminder of a failure of a sister that she has, of my mom. I'd have to agree with her on that one, but still, it hurt to hear. She reminded me that they didn't have to give me a home or food or anything, and that she and my uncle can dump me off at an orphanage. If it weren't for my grandmother, I would have begged them to.

That night, I went into my grandmothers room, and even she heard my aunt screaming at me for that entire hour. I went to her side, and cried as she held me. By then, she was very fragile and weak. Her handwriting was barely legible, but she told me that she was the fail for the way that my mom is, and that none of it is my fault. She even apologized to ME for the life I have. And lastly, she told me that she loved me.

The last time I spent time with her was three nights ago. The past two nights I went in her room, she was asleep and I could tell that she needed rest, so I left her alone. Those three nights ago, she couldn't write to me. Her hands hurt too much. I wrote to her that I had friends at school and she smiled at me. I could tell that she was happy for me. I told her that I might have even been in love, and even though I never said that it was with a guy, I just know that she'd still be happy for me. She pointed to my heart and gave me a shaky thumbs up. I wanted to smile, but all I could do was sit there and silently cry. She shook her finger at me, and pointed to me, and then put her hand over her heart and patted it. Then, she pointed to herself, then patted my heart. I broke down just before she fell asleep. I should have seen it coming.


	4. I Wanted To Die

That next day I didn't go to school. I didn't get out of bed. Even though I did hesitate because of Demyx, I just couldn't bear to see his pure smile and know what shit was going on inside of me.

Instead, I stayed in bed and smoked pot…cause that's what I'm known for being good at. Yeah, I've been smoking weed for about two or maybe even three years now. I don't do it daily, but whenever shit happens, it's a way to calm me down. I've tried a bunch of different kinds of things, ecstasy, and shooting up, but I try to stick to pot unless I'm really desperate.

Even though I felt like I hit rock bottom, the pot was helping and being able to sit in my room alone really helped. Until, my aunt ruined it all.

"Oh, so now you're going to cut school and fuck around here?" My aunt stumbled into my room, clearly drunk and crying.

I ignored her and tossed over in bed. I had just finished smoking and my room smelled like shit and I'm sure that my eyes were red.

"Get up you fucking piece of shit!" She screamed at me.

"Honey, leave him alone." My uncle came in and saved me. I know that he wasn't so much doing it for my safety, but for hers. I know he doesn't care about me either.

"I want that brat and his drugs out of here!" My aunt wailed and even with my face in my pillow, I could feel her icy glare.

"Come on, let's get you back in bed." My uncle said but then I felt something hard hit my back. I huddled up into a ball as I heard them struggle. She was probably trying to throw things at me and he was probably trying to stop her, but I didn't care anymore.

"Get out! You ungrateful little waste of life! Your daddy didn't want you, your mommy doesn't want you, and neither do I!" she screamed and I sat up to see her being dragged out by my uncle. He shut my door and I fell back on my bed.

Part of me wished that I had Demyx there to hold me and make me feel better, but at the same time, I knew that all he'd really do is make me realize what I don't have. Maybe ignorance truly is bliss? Maybe I am better off all alone?

I sighed as I pulled my phone out of my pocket. Fuck my aunt. Just fuck my life. I texted my drug dealer, who goes by Sephiroth, although I doubt that his real name. He knows that I don't talk, so it's nice to have a dealer who does it just for the munny. Then again, that's why everyone deals.

"Ienzo? What can I do for you?" Sephiroth asked back in text. Ienzo was my 'drug' name, my alias so that I wouldn't be caught in case someone squealed. Not that I really had to worry about a reputation or anyone caring, but I guess it's just part of the life.

"I need some heavy stuff. Now." I responded

"What's the rush? Just looking for another fix?" Sephiroth's voice is deep and a bit intimidating when I see him in person, so I'm glad that this was all over text.

"It's been about four days since I shot up, I cant take it anymore. Fucking home bullshit." I complained and Sephiroth stayed true to his jack-ass self.

"I don't care about your drama, just your munny."

"You'll get it. The usual for the usual?" I always bought the same amount for the same price.

"You got it. I'll meet you at our spot. Bring the cash."

"Oh, and I want some E." I figured I might as well buy it now while I'm seeing him.

"Ecstasy? What kind are you looking for?"

"What do you have?"

"A bunch of wild shit. Is it just for you?"

"Yeah." I replied, feeling a bit pathetic that I didn't even have friends to shoot up with. You can pretty much find any piece of scum who'd shoot up or smoke with anyone, but even I was stuck alone. Maybe it's cause I don't talk. When you're high, you want to be entertained. For me, I just want to escape.

"I'll bring a special deal for you. They're legit; I had some two days ago. Gave me a nice trip." Sephiroth texted back so I responded.

"Deal." I closed my phone and got ready to sneak out my window to go get my drugs. I don't shoot up often, which is rare cause it's so addicting to everyone else. I do crave it from time to time, but if I smoke pot or take ecstasy, I can usually mellow out some of my withdraws.

I met Sephiroth as planned, handed him the cash, and took my shit back to my room, entering through the window.

Fuck. I forgot how badly I wanted to shoot up. I took out the syringe and I already started shaking. No. Calm down. I can't put the needle in if I'm trembling. I exhaled and found a nice vein. SLSH. My veins tingled. It's been just a few days but every time I do it, I feel like I'm needing it more. I guess it really is addicting. Whatever, I don't need to think of that right now. Right now, I'm escaping.

My head felt heavy and absent all at the same time. I started to feel a little sick, but my mind was so relaxed that I thought I was going to pass out or fall asleep. I didn't care which it was. Fuck. It felt good. I sat there for hours, just sitting on my bed, looking around, feeling detached from this world as my head swayed from side to side.

I was actually getting tired, which must have been from all the weed I had earlier. Whenever I smoke pot, I get real calm and tired and just peaceful. Mixed with the small dose I shot up with, I was ready to just waste away for the entire night and maybe even the next day. I didn't expect to be able to sleep, but even just sitting in silence was close enough.

"Get up." My uncle walked into my room just as I was about to fall asleep.

I ignored him. If he wanted me up, he'd have to pull me up. Well, he did.

"Get up!" He yanked my arm and got me on my feet. "Pack your shit." He ordered and I shook my head lazily. Fuck, I didn't know what was going on.

"You're moving out of here whether you like it or not." He stared me dead in the eye. "You little fucker! You're high aren't you?" I stood there weakly, his strength keeping my weak body up. "Arent you?" He demanded an answer, but I only burped. My head hurt and I was starting to feel the whole room sway.

"You have two days before I drop your ass off at the nearest orphanage." He pushed me back on my bed and left. I fell on my bed and knocked out, dead asleep. That next day, I didn't wake up till one in the afternoon. I didn't know if anyone was home or not, and I didn't care. I shot up again, finishing the little remains of what was left from the day before and smoked pot at the same time. I felt good.

Yeah. Real good. So fucking good. I could have even smiled if I tried. Haha. Tried. Fuck my head. Mmmm, I feel good. I want someone to feel good with. Mmmm, Demyx. Fuck, I wonder what he'd think if he knew I did drugs. But oh it feels so good. Fuck I don't know where I am. Oh my room. Mmm, why is it spinning? Fuck I'm running out of weed already. Have I been smoking that much? I cant stop, it just feels so good. My head isn't even here. I'm not even here. Where am I? Mmm, I don't give a shit. I feel good and nothing hurts. Nothing hurts.

"If you think that I cant smell that, you're twice as stupid as you look." My uncle waltzed right into my room, but I didn't give a fuck. I felt good. "I'm going to call the cops on your drug addicted ass and get you the hell out of here!" My uncle yelled as I inhaled more of my roll. "Fuck you, I'm not going to waste any more of my life concerned about you." He waved it all off and left. Go ahead. Call the cops. Get me out of this shit-hole of a house.

The weed was good but when I reached the end, I knew that I was going to hate it. Already I wanted to shoot up more, but I was out. I had the munny to buy more, but I didn't want to leave. I felt good and I didn't want to ruin that.

Shit. My head was starting to hurt. Maybe I didn't feel so good. I just needed to lie down. I fell backwards, lying in my bed, wanting to sleep so badly.

I missed the past two days of school. Should I even bother showing up for the next? Who'd care if I just stopped? Demyx. Mmm, he's my ecstasy. Maybe if I see him, I wont need to smoke or shoot up? Maybe we can shoot up together? I passed out before I woke up at two in the morning.

From two till six, I laid in my bed, my fingers circling over my arms. I had so many scars. Needle marks, cuts, bruises. It was evident that I didn't take care of myself. No one did. I hated myself. I hate how I do drugs, how I cut, and how I still thought that maybe Demyx would want me if he knew. I needed to stop. No more drugs, no more cutting. Easier said than done, but I cant risk losing Demyx. Then again, he might as well be gone. I'm going to an orphanage anyway, so it's not like I'll see him again. Still, I wouldn't want to see his face if he knew I did drugs. I had to stop. Cold turkey. No, I cant do that. No one can. I wonder what sex is like high? Fuck, stop!

I sat up in bed, silently crying as I stared at my arms. I was so hurt inside and out. There is no recovery.

That next morning, I didn't want to go to school; I didn't want to have to explain anything to Axel or Demyx as to why I was absent or why I look like I'm fucking dead. But I guess it beats staying at home and getting yelled and screamed at now that I'm out of pot.

I walked in math late, intentionally, and took a random seat. I tried to fall asleep on my desk but I couldn't, so when the bell rang, I sighed and got ready for Chemistry.

"Hey, Zexion!" Demyx ran up to me as I took my time getting my backpack on. "Where were you?" He asked and I just shook my head.

"You ok?" Axel joined us and I shook my head before I brushed past them and left for the bathroom.

I walked into the biggest stall and locked the door, falling to the floor, and just cried silently. I wanted to shoot up; I wanted pot; I wanted to cut so deeply that all my blood would spill and I could be done with it all.

After a full minute alone, I heard footsteps and then a loud sigh.

"Zexion, you ok?" It was Demyx but I didn't answer. "I'm coming in." He said, and I anticipated for him to give up once he realized that the door was locked, but right away, he crawled underneath.

"Zexion?" He crawled next to me and I shook my head. He's such a dummy. Such a sweet, caring, beautiful dummy. "What's wrong?" He asked and I typed it out on my phone before I showed him. I told him how my grandmother died and how I wont be able to stay at this school or see him again cause I have to go to an orphanage. I didn't tell him about the drugs or cuts. I couldn't ever tell him. I couldn't live with myself after seeing his disappointment.

"Oh Zexion!" Demyx through his arms around me. Dammit. He was warmer than I remembered. Every time he inhaled, I did too, and the feeling of our bodies meshing together made me want to ball up and stay there forever. Fuck shooting up. Fuck pot. Fuck fucking ecstasy. His arms are where its at.

"It's going to be ok. It'll all work out. Don't worry." He whispered in my ear but I could only shake my head. "You have to stay positive Zexion." Demyx broke the hug and cupped my face. Then, he bent my forehead down and kissed it. Technically it was my hair, cause it covered half of my face, but I still loved the way it felt. "It'll all be ok." He smiled and even though his eyes were watering, I believed him. I nodded. I wanted him to kiss me again. I bent my head down and he chuckled before he did something that no one's ever done before. He pushed my bangs behind me ear and kissed my temple. It zapped my headache away for that split second.

"You are loved. Whether people say it or not, and even if you don't believe it, you are." Demyx smooched my cheek and I nodded slowly. We each went to our own classes and Demyx texted Axel what was bothering me, and Axel didn't panic or freak out like I expected him to. He apologized, gave me his number, and told me that he was always going to be here for me. I thanked him with a nod and we went through our entire day in silence, even when Roxas joined us in fourth period P.E. I saw Axel texting him and I saw Roxas look all sad and like he sympathized with me, which was nice, but I'm really glad that no one brought it up again. The need for drugs was there, but I was coping just fine whenever I got to look at Demyx. Shit, he really is my drug.

"What should we do now?" Axel broke the long term silence after we all met at our lockers when school got out.

"What do you want to do?" Demyx asked me and I shrugged. I didn't care. I just didn't want to go back home.

"Well, Roxas and I were going to go see another movie." Axel suggested but Demyx didn't look too interested.

"Did you still want to go to my place?" He asked me and I nodded.

"Alright, we'll catch up later." Axel waved and he and Roxas said goodbye before Demyx and I walked to his house, the entire way, in silence.

"Home sweet home," He threw open the front door and closed it. "No one will be home for a while." He said and that made me a little happy.

"Do you want something to eat or drink?" he asked, but I shook my head. "My room's in here." He led the way and sat on his bed, sighing heavily out his nose. I joined him at his side. "Zexion, please, talk to me." He asked but I didn't respond at all in any way. He sighed. "I guess now isn't the best time." He looked so sad, it made me feel responsible and shitty. He had a whiteboard on his desk with a marker, so I got it and brought it back to his bed.

"I'm really sorry I'm like this." I wrote, but he erased it and took the marker.

"Don't be. Don't ever apologize for who you are. As long as you're striving to be your best, that's all people should ever ask of you." He smiled and I nodded, taking the marker.

"I'm not the best that I can be. I wish I could tell you more, but I cant. I wish I wasn't so sad. I wish I could talk. I want to, but I just cant. I'm sorry."

"It's fine. I just like spending time with you. But it would be nice to your that beautiful voice that I know is in there." Demyx wrote and when I read those words, a small flutter went on inside my heart.

"I love spending time with you. You make me forget all the pain. You're the best friend I've ever had." I wrote and he smiled.

"Thank you, I really appreciate that. You're a great guy Zexion. You really are." I almost smiled, almost. I could feel my face moving in a way it hasn't in a while.

"Thanks, you have no idea how much that means to me. I only wish what you were saying were true."

"It is! I don't want you to go to an orphanage." He wrote and when he handed me the markers, I saw that his eyes were all watery again.

"Me either. But I cant stay where I live now. It's even worse." I wrote back. At least in the orphanage it'll be impossible for me to get a hold of Sephiroth. I know that I want drugs, but I know that I need to stop. Cutting alone is something I struggle with…I don't need all this extra shit.

"I'm going to miss you, a lot." He wrote and then brushed his cheek with his thumb, probably erasing any evidence of a tear.

"I already miss you." I wrote and he smiled.

"Zexion?" He wrote, even with a question mark.

"Demyx?" I wrote back and waited. He held the board up to his chest, scribbled, put down the marker, and exhaled loudly. Then he turned the board around.

"I love you." Is what was written on that board and I could feel myself reacting to it. I felt happy and even lucky to be loved by someone like him. At the same time, I wondered why my life had to keep getting worse like this. Why do I have to be teased like this? Would he reject me if only he knew?

I took the marker and wrote underneath his words. When I finished, I looked at him. I could tell that he was nervous and probably in anticipation.

"I love you more." I wrote and when he read it, he smiled wide.

"Zexion, I don't want you to go." He said out loud, his voice getting weak. I didn't even know what to do, so I forced myself in his arms, which he quickly widened for me.

"I know I was so positive earlier, but now that I realize that you're leaving, I'm scared." Demyx whispered in my ear. I nodded. I was scared shitless. "I just want to hold you forever." Demyx squeezed me and I squeezed back. I moved to his side and we each held each other, just sitting there, silent.

"I want to take advantage of the little time we have left." He smiled shyly and I nodded. If he meant what I think he meant, then I was all for it. I'd go all the way right then and there if he asked. I didn't want to miss out on an opportunity that I may never see again.

"I want to give you a nickname too." He giggled to himself and I nodded. I've never had one before, except things like 'emo-freak' and 'loser'.

"Hmmm, lets see. Zexion, Zexion, Zex…Zex!" He shouted and nuzzled his nose in my neck, tickling me. "Reminds me of sex." He said seductively and I subconsciously bit my lower lip. "I want to be one with you Zexion. So badly." He stared deep into my visible eye, then he moved my bangs, and readjusted his gaze. I nodded. I wanted him so fucking bad. Maybe sex could be an alternate of that high that I've been craving?

He rested his hand on my neck and I felt lightheaded all over again. What was he doing to me? How could he control my heartbeat and my breathing so easily?

"I love you," he whispered as he brought his lips to mine.

He wasn't my first kiss, but it felt like it. I swear on my life that I've never felt so satisfied and complete before, and his lips were so warm and soft against my cold chapped pair, I was actually embarrassed about it. "You're so cold." He said in a hushed voice and I nodded. I was cold. Inside and out.

"Let me hold you." He begged and I nodded back desperately. I scooted even closer to him as he rested one hand on my neck and the other at my side.

Immediately, we started kissing again. He sucked on my lower lip and I nudged my face closer, demanding for more. With his hand on my side, he rubbed my bare skin under my shirt and I couldn't fight my bodies urges to move as if to encourage it.

"I want to touch you." He said shakily and I nodded. I wanted to touch and be touched as well. We continued kissing as he rubbed his hand harder and then, he broke the kiss to laugh.

"You're hard." He giggled and I blushed a deep red. "Do you want me to fix it?" he asked and I nodded before he took my lips captive again. While we kissed he fumbled with my belt. He couldn't get it out of the buckle and it was kind of funny. In the movies and books and all, it's always so perfect. Here, in his room, it was cute how hard he struggled.

"Fuck!" He broke the kiss and stared at my belt buckle, finally able to get it off. "Where did you buy this thing?" he asked and I shrugged. "You're so cute." He unzipped my pants and returned back to my side, making out with me, his tongue deep in my mouth before he plunged his hand in my pants.

Right away I yelped into the kiss. His hand was extremely warm, hot even as he squished my underwear.

He moved to have his back against the headboard and patted his lap, where I sat straddling him. He pushed up on my shirt but I whimpered and shook my head. I didn't want him to see the scars.

"Ok." He stopped and looked away, sad. I whimpered again, placing my hand on his chest. I wanted to continue. I wanted to do things with him. Dirty things. Things you only do with people you care about and know that they care about you. It wasn't just because I was horny. I just missed feeling like I could make someone feel good, and I don't even mean in a sexual way.

I tugged up on his shirt like an impatient child.

"I don't want to be the only one naked Zex." He said and I looked away. I wanted to touch him, to feel his hard on, to suck his balls and to have mine be touched and licked too. I just wanted to be close to him. I'd do anything; just as long as he didn't see my arms.

I kept my underwear on and was about to pull my hard dick out when he put a hand up to my chest.

"We're moving too fast. I like you. A lot. And I know that you're nodding that you like me but," he looked away, sad. "I cant be with someone who cant actually tell me that they love me. We may never see each other again. Isn't that reason enough to at least tell me, just once, that you love me?" Demyx finished and I could feel my chest collapsing and rising before crashing again. I was breathing loudly, about to go into cries.

"I love you Zexion, and I think I deserve to hear it back. If you cant, that's fine. It's just a sign that maybe, maybe we aren't meant for each other." He shook his head, confused just as much as I was, I could see it. He returned his gaze at me, both of us with tears in our eyes. I wanted to talk. I wanted to open my mouth but I couldn't. It wasn't even a matter of will, but of capability. It's like I forgot how to reproduce sound. I was afraid that if I opened my mouth, some hideous sound would come out and scare him away forever.

I put my hand on his thigh and rubbed it roughly. Maybe if I made him hard enough, he'd forget about what he said?

"No, stop!" He yelled and swatted my hand. I drew it back and held onto it with my other hand. It stung and I was officially crying.

"I just told you that I didn't want to do things with you." He sounded frustrated and it scared me. I sniffled. Had I already scared him away? That's all I've ever been good for.

In one last attempt to reconcile, I raised a cupped palm to his cheek, but he turned the other way.

"Stop teasing me. If you cant tell me that you love me, then there's no reason for you to be here." Demyx wouldn't look at me and for once I wished he would. I had tons of silent tears streaming down my face.

Why? Why do people insist that I let them in if they're only going to kick me out? How could anyone be so cruel? I was getting angry. This was his damn fault for inviting me over and making out with me. I'm the innocent one. All along, that's all I've ever been. A victim. Well I'm fucking sick of it!

I threw a pillow off of his bed, rushed my pants back on, and stormed out of his bedroom. I walked through the living room and slammed the front door behind me. I was pissed. I huffed my entire way back home. So sick of all this bullshit. My whole life people told me to shut up; I wish they'd makeup their goddamn minds. I didn't ask him to love me. He confessed to me. He should expect anything in return. That's love! Right? Fuck if I know. Fuck if I care.

I'm so fucking sick of people treating me like a dumb faggot of a mute. There's nothing wrong with me. It's the rest of the world. Everyone out there is in it to hurt me and I'm just trying to survive. Why? Why do I even care? I don't want to live anymore. I never asked to be born. I never asked to be here so why should I wait to leave? I can leave right now. In fact, I think I will…

I went home and remembered that I bought ecstasy from Sephiroth, so I opened my dresser and downed all the pills. I found my secret stash of speed that I keep hidden even from myself. I bought it about two months ago, and I kept it as an emergency in case something super bad happened. I guess I must have forgotten about it the last time I contacted Sephiroth, but I'm so glad that I had it. While I waited for the ecstasy to kick in, I shot up into my arm, pushing in every last bit that I had.

Then, I went to my room. Should I write a will? Or at least a goodbye note? Why? Why should I? Who's going to read it? Who'd care?

I started pacing my floor, unable to sit still for a little while as I paced back and forth and just thought about everything and nothing all at once and my head hurt but I was rolling on ecstasy and I didn't give a fuck cause no one gave a fuck and who will help me if I don't?

Fuck my stomach started to hurt. I couldn't puke it up or else it wouldn't work, right? Ugh, the pain increased so much it almost nullified the ecstasy that was giving me a nice high. I went on my bed and made my peace with death. I was ready. I am ready.

I wanted to die. Fuck my stomach hurt. I wanted to die. Now it was spreading to my head. I wanted to die. Why cant I think anymore? I wanted to die. Why did Demyx leave me? I wanted to die. Why did my grandma have to die? I wanted to die. Why did my mom have to be a drug addict? I wanted to die. Why do I have to be just like her? I wanted to die. Why did my dad have to kill himself? I wanted to die. Why am I trying to be like him? I wa-…..


	5. Simple and Clean

I opened my eyes to see white. All white. Pure white. Was I dead? There was no sound, no feeling. Just…simple and clean white.

I took a few steps, but there was no ground beneath me. It was just white, just like what was in front of me, behind me, above me. Everywhere. I was dead. I had to be. I hit myself. Nothing. I took another step, and it hardly felt or looked like I moved.

Could this be heaven? No, I didn't deserve to go there. So…is this hell? I always pictured more fire and red, but I'll take this. I took a few more steps but I wasn't making any progress and it started to frustrate me. Was I actually dead?

I was contemplating if I went to heaven or hell when I saw something in the distance. It was a woman, walking, shakily. She looked familiar. Holy shit! It was my grandmother! Quickly I started running, but my feet got me nowhere. I was getting angry. No matter how hard or fast I tried to run, I wasn't moving. It was like being on a treadmill the way I kept trying and failing.

I tried waiving to get her attention, but she couldn't see me. This had to be hell. I mean, I know my grandmother wouldn't be in hell, but this teasing couldn't exist anywhere else. I dropped to my knees and started crying. I wanted to scream. But I didn't know how. I wanted to yell. But I didn't know how.

"Poor Zexion." I heard, so I looked up to see my grandmother standing over me. I stood up, tried to touch her, but she was just outside my reach. "If only you talked you wouldn't be in this mess. That's all anyone ever wanted from you." She shook her head at me and I cried. It was because of her that I started my silent-phases.

"It's not too late Zexion. You can go back. Go back. Talk. Enjoy what you have before it's truly gone forever." My grandmother said and I nodded. "Do you want to go back?" She asked and I nodded quickly. I didn't want to die. No, I didn't want to die. I had Axel and Demyx and even Roxas and Ms. Aerith were nice to me. I didn't want to die. I wanted to go back.

"If you want to go back, you'll have to say so." She ticked a finger at me and I got angry. Of course, even in hell I'd have to talk. "Just say, 'I want to go back' and you will. If not, you'll proceed downstairs." She said and I knew what that meant. So I wasn't in hell…not yet. Wait! I'm going to hell? No, I don't want to! I started to panic.

"Just those five words Zexion. Please, for me?" She asked and I nodded. I wanted to say it, but damn was it hard. "No? Alright, I will escort you down." She turned around but I wouldn't budge. Then, the floor beneath me moved me up to these stairs and I looked down to see red, fire, and I heard screams.

"I want to go back!" I screamed and the last thing I saw was my grandmother smiling at me.

"Good choice." She smiled brightly before I closed my eyes again and saw nothingness.

"Ready?" I heard but saw nothing.

"Zexion!" That was another voice. Still, nothingness.

"Three!" my ears were the only thing working.

"Zexion please!" I heard begging, but even the voice lacked distinction.

"He needs to go to the hospital." Someone said and I could feel my head swirling.

"Zex!" I heard and right away I knew it was Demyx. Demyx! I wanted to open my eyes but I couldn't.

"Into the ambulance." Someone else said and when I finally was able to open my eyes, I saw Axel holding onto Demyx outside my house. Where was I? I looked around and realized that I was on a stretcher, going into an ambulance. I couldn't move any part of me except my eyes.

"Zexion!" Demyx shouted just as the paramedic shut the door with me inside.

"Hang in there!" They told me before I passed out again.

**Author's Note:**

> IMPORTANT PLEASE READ: I just wanted to warn anyone reading this that this story will get VERY HEAVY. There will be a LOT of anxiety, cussing, and even some self-harm. If that is not your style, then I'd advise that you stop. I wont spoil any ending or scenes to come, but I just want you all to know that there will be some serious tension, anxiety, and drama in this story. There wont be any lemons, nothing explicit at least. I do hope that you continue to read this story as it does have some personal significance to me. I wont get too into it, but I really hope that you continue to read this, despite the warning I gave. I just wanted to let people know what they were getting into ^_^  
> Heart, Sarabellum


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